I have something to confess… and I realize probably nobody cares.
I still feel the need to make this post, however. Just for my own self – if nothing else.
Hopefully it connects with you and gives you a little more insight to your own life. That’s my hope at least.
On to the confession!
I have been keeping this site “free” of something that is true to my character. I have put this site over in it’s own little box and labeled it my “nerd box”. It wasn’t touching anything else. I even went as far as not posting my real face. You just get to see the mask I put up, quite literally.
But that’s not all of who I am. In fact, it’s very little of it. I hid for a long time out of fear. I used entertainment and being a “geek” or a “nerd” (I’m actually unclear on which means what, truthfully) as a way to escape. A way to push people away and throw something else up in front to distract them. Instead of talking about things that really matter, I would bring up something that I knew they liked too and steer the conversation in that direction. It made people see me as some sort of “expert” on many things that really just don’t matter. It was a way to avoid getting too close to others, while still being liked by them. I apologize to all of you out there that really know me that I have done this to.
This site actually started as a message board back in 2006. Kyle Thoreau and I made it as a place to talk about whatever we wanted to. When this actual site (at this domain) was started, it was created out of the desire to simply create something cool. A desire to make something I could be proud of and work on and figure out. I have used it to run SEO experiments, it taught me a lot about wordpress and CMS creation in general, and I also got to post things I thought were interesting. A few other guys have posted here too and even though I have never met them face to face, I consider them very good friends and kindred spirits. I nearly always kept this place separate from anything too personal, however. That was by design. I thought about starting up another blog where I would just be “me”… whatever that was. I started posting things and then would just label them “private” so that nobody else would see them. It then turned into a business thing instead where I would post the latest projects that I worked on for someone. It was more of a portfolio, because I was too lazy to actually update my real website portfolio.
My desire from now is is to be real.
I don’t feel the need to hide myself anymore. I’m not afraid of doing new things, meeting new people, talking about how I am really feeling. I realize that I need to set a filter on these things, and not say things at an inappropriate time or place, but the key is that I’m learning to be the person I have always wanted to be. The person God has intended me to be. I am a leader. A husband, a father, a son, a brother, a work guy, a friend. I’m no longer a” boy that can shave”, to steal from Pastor Mark Driscoll. I have spent too many years being afraid. Too many years trying to be a boy and avoid any sort of real responsibility. It got me nothing. In fact, it got me worse than nothing. It almost destroyed me. It almost destroyed my family. It almost destroyed everything I hold dearest to me. Eventually it DID destroy my old self. It crushed my mask. It blew up my walls of safety that I had put up that I was keeping everyone away with. My life has been changed, for the good. I feel re-born.
In case you hadn’t noticed the hints I have been dropping, yes, those were “religious” references. I grew up as a “Christian”, and as I have grown older, that has helped and comforted me in times of crisis. There have been times I have questioned everything. There have been times of struggle and doubt. I have examined things over and over again. I have read, studied, and dissected, and I still believe. I have read opposing arguments and I have compared them to my beliefs. I don’t know everything, but what I have learned and have personally experienced has not proven false to me yet. My perceptions may have been skewed and needed to be re-adjusted, but the conclusion I keep coming back to is that there is a God. He loves us, and He actually cares about us.
This is all a really long way of saying that I’m going to start posting about spiritual, philosophical and religious topics here. Read if you want, ignore if you don’t. I have some things I want to share that I have been working out in my own life and I figure this site is as good of place as any. I hope that at times, this column can be a safe place to discuss some difficult issues in a healthy manner. Other times it will be just the usual rambling about nothing.
I am still interested in nerdy and geeky things. I am still in many ways the same person I have always been. I still have the same sense of humour. I am just much more intentional about life now. I am not hiding any more. I am not afraid. I am a man, not just some guy that is clueless about life. I’m far from perfect, but I am not afraid to try and fail. I’m also not afraid to try and actually succeed.
I am a follower of Jesus, a husband, a father, and your friend.
Well said… it’s funny how we try to hide. Okay, maybe it’s not funny but rather… sad. Sad that it is our first reaction to life (which is counterintuitive to our deeper need; belonging).
Oh but to hide, let me count the ways. hmmm, that would take far to long. Our ability to hide or run away from ourselves, which in turn feeds our great and desperate need to never let anyone truly see us (hide), is rather remarkable and deeply rooted. In fact it started from the beginning…
Once upon a time… Ooops, I hear my mom calling. Happy mothers day mom. Got to go.
I’ll be back.
Hey! There is a comment here! I didn’t think anybody read this! Ha! Good to see you, if only “virtually”, Mr. Jeff!