Let’s tie this bitch down


Tomorrow Jason stomps his dead ass back into theaters… wait IS he dead in this one? You know I like remakes, or reimaginings… or to be more honest- further cash-ins, but when it comes to a guy like Jason? Shit can get fucking confusing. Quick.

But back to my point. 😀 Tomorrow our favorite shit swimmer is back to do what he does best (which is killing, so you know the fucker’s American), so this should be fun. Now what I’m personally curious about is how exactly are they going to put the fucker down in the end. Will it be another amputation like Leatherface? More fucking toxic waste? Long as it isn’t something dumb like his head being cut the fuck off (I want sequels… sue me) I should be alright.

Whatever it is I’m damn sure it will never meet the pure fucking inspired dipshittery/brilliance of Tommy Jarvis’ plot to lay the proverbial smack down on Voorhees as seen in Friday the 13th part 6: Jason Lives. From the get go the plan seemed just a little… under thought? Here we have Tommy: a young twenty something (I’m assuming) of slightly above average build and a penchant for hallucinations and poor choices in pals – looking at you Horshack…..

and what is his brilliant plan? Against a now superhumanly strong (he did snap a dude in half and rip pieces off of people) undead serial killer? This is the same guy who at the beginning of the flick starts out being dead in the ground. Only to have a ressurection worthy of Frankenstein occur, and then have his first undead action involve disemboweling a Sweathog barehanded.

His plan is simple in it’s genius: He’s going to lure Jason out into the lake he first drowned in, toss a chain around his neck and did I mention it’ll be attached to a big fuck off rock? Well it is, you do need anchor you know, and to top it all off he’s gonna set fucking fire to the damn lake. Well it is dark and chilly by the lake at night.

I almost wish I’d been there for the explanation of this plan to the featured ‘survivor girl’-

Survivor Girl: Sooo, what’s the plan?
Tommy: Fucking brilliant is what it is! Just you wait and see! You’ll know what I’m talking about!
SG: It’d help if you’d just tell me you know
Tommy: Yeah! Well I’m going to lure him out to the lake…
SG: THAT shouldn’t be hard… not like he’s headed there anyways
Tommy: …then I’ll get him into the lake…
SG: that part better not involve me getting naked… I have a clause in my contract about that.
Tommy: What? No… I’ll be in a boat, and he’ll walk out there see? He doesn’t need to breath now since he’s, y’know …dead.
SG: dead? You sure you’re right in the head?
Tommy: of course, I took the green pills first today, the …episodes only happen when I take the orange first. But seriously, after I get him out there I’ll throw this chain over him, Don’t ask where I got the chain, and the I’ll toss the big ass rock I had you carry to my car earlier into the lake! Thus trapping him underwater.
SG: THAT ROCK? I thought you said he was super strong? I can barely lift a 12 pack and I managed…
Tommy: You’re NOT LISTENING! The water will hold him down! See he died originally by drowning sooo it’ll work again?
SG: not really selling me on this
Tommy: AND I’m gonna set the lake on fire, for ambiance 🙂
SG: Whatever, don’t fucking care if it’d piss off daddy, I’m so not fucking you after all this…

…and so forth. However I do have to admire his dedication. Most sane people, and thinking on it now maybe him being batshit crazy might’ve helped here, but most people would say …run? Or just blew him up or tried to burn him. Tommy? Oh fuck no. HE has to go all scooby doo on your ass. Never mind that the rock that was to hold Jason down was relatively light …shit Tommy could pick it up and Jason’s definitely stronger. Shit logic permits that Jason could’ve just pulled himself down the chain and unhooked the rock from it …but yeah no one thought of that. Shit the propeller to the face was just a bonus.

But hey it did work, and you can thank the screenwriter’s and our low expectations for intelligent solutions in a Jason movie for that.

NIGHT ALL, hope you enjoy the new movie.

About kylethoreau 146 Articles
KyleThoreau is a time-traveling axe murderer from the 1800’s. He stopped in the 2000’s because he ran out of the secret time-travel juice that the cyborg clone of Abe Lincoln gave him. He must now find the clone of Abe to return to his time-travel duties. In the meantime he has decided to report on geeky news and read comic books.

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